Sparkle and Fade - 30

"Thank you for reading my personal advertisement. I understand that your time is valuable and appreciate your visit.

Single, young male seeking passionate one-month affair. You must love Twilight. Your love for Twilight must equal my hate for Twilight. Please note that I hate everything about the book, the movie and everything associated with it. I hate the writer Stephenie Meyer (who spells "Stephenie" like that?), I hate Robert Pattinson, I hate Second Assistant Cazz Duffy....I hate so much...

My hope is that these deep feelings will spark unbridled passion and within a few hours, good humping times. While I doubt passion such as ours is likely to last, I guarantee you good times. Please note that good times = me yelling at you until I'm hoarse because if you like "Twilight" and you're over 21, the government should come in and tie your tubes with a soddering iron.

Call me!"



Maybe eugenics wasn't such a bad idea afterall.

i have depression, you have depression, let's cuddle - 25

"having depression really really sucks. let's try to make the best of it by being depression cuddle buddies! you remember the times when you weren't depressed with sorrow. days freaking drag by into each other. sleep is a problem, eating is annoying. you dont think anyone is going to want to be with you because you have depression. your friends get sick of it. blah. there must be something therapeutic in human touch. i'm not looking for a deep long term relationship necessarily, just an understanding and compassionate co-depression ate with some healing touch. i'm a fairly attractive 25 year old guy i was in shape a few months ago. i can talk about anything and i like good conversation!"



This sounds so...depressing.

"Bi male seeking BBW Must naughty LTR"

"Hi i,m a bi male i love dressing up like a girl i,m very passable i,m looking for a plump pretty lady with whom i can share my life you have to be as naughty as i am. I do get a taste for black men at times being bi and would love to have an understanding mate who would join in with my escapades i,m desease free and would love for you to live with me we can keep this our secret to friends and family and can be two filthy sexy ladies in our spare time"





I'm concerned about the supportive potential of that bra.

"Racist Roleplay" - 44

"My intent is not to offend but to act our a fantasy of a dom white guy and a submissive black woman. I have exceptional skills. Words, actions, nothing crazy, violent, or dangerous. All limits respected."



Yes, master.

Have you seen a pathetic personal?

Email it to me at lolpersonals@gmail.com!

"Looking to milk?"

"I am looking for a hucow relationship."


Hucow: A woman who chooses to be objectified for her large mammaries and ability to lactate constantly.

"I wrote a poem. - 32"

"Potential
"Are mirages causing the false beliefs which are preventing someone from fully dedicating themselves to the Catholic religion which would provide a much happier way of life?" What do you think of it?"


I'm pretty sure this is just a sentence, dude.

"Lady's Run me over and park on me! - 45"

"Lady's I am looking to break a Guinness worlds record, by being ran over by the most cars driven with the most beautiful woman in IL. If you want to run me over please leave me a message. Every time a woman runs me over and parks her car on me, she will have a picture taken of her standing on me for the records. If your the world record breaker driver, you may have you picture with your car on me in the world record book as the woman to break the run over record!"






Tempting. But how does his peen stay intact?

"Want a girl who would gain some weight - 29"

"I've always found it sexy to see a girl put on weight. I'm interesting in connecting with a girl who would be willing to put on 30 lbs or more. Would take you out to eat. Cook for you. Massage your feet while you eat ice cream or cheesecake. Worship each pound you put on."


I think every girl with an eating disorder just came in their pants.

"NO!!!!! I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU !!!! - 36"

"What is with all the Women on CL just looking for sex????? I am not that kinda guy!!!!

I have gone out with 2 women from here and all the wanted to do was get me in bed..WTF????

What has this world come to?

should not be craigslist..it should be sexlist..

and if you are going to try to take me out to dinner.. you better send a pic...if you are looking for a easy guy..head over to the casual encounter page....I am not a slut...

I feel so used..........."




I usually don't bother including the pictures from these postings, but this was too good to pass up. Pleasepleasepleaseplease be real.

"neva done this b4, so lets c wuz good.."

"Ok so diz my forst time aight!!.. lol I'm str8 up down 2 earth person I have many great friends that truly appreciate my friendship bu yet I haven't met da special1.. I'm very outgoing I like going to bars n clubs bu I don mind staying a home w a love1 jst killing time, I'm realy independent in which I mean I have my own place n my own cars.. I really shouldn't be trying things like this bu O' watta hell.. lol ok ok so I kno diz important.. I'm 24ys old I'm 5' 7" I'm hispanic I'm 145lbs I Don't have problems meeting new ppl, I jst like trying out sum diff once in a While u kno???.. lol.... so wa u doin thiz weekend?.. wanna meet up?"


A str8 up down 2 earth person? Sounds like an oxymoron to me.

"Unfortunate flatulence problem"

"Morbidly obese web-toed underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) who likes eating mayonnaise and raw garlic sandwiches seeks healthy girl without identifying scars - must have all her own teeth, recite alphabet backwards in Swahili and sweat freely and often, for romantic and passionate first date - NO Tongue. Must enjoy being bored & lonely. Your body shot gets mine by carrier pigeon return post."


LOLZ

"Conservative, Christian, ehtnic Hillbilly - 29"

"Hello. The headline says it all. I am conservative, a Christian, and an ethnic Hillbilly.

I an a 29 year old single white male ... I love country music ... I work with men who work in the sun all day, and develop "red" tans on their necks that are semi permanent. We commonly call each other "rednecks" with affection. I am a God fearing man, so please be right with God. This is a must. I do own a pickup truck, her name is Big Red.

I hold my conservative values close, and am a man of my principles. If you are a liberal who believes in killing babies, or wants to see gay marriage become legal, or are a devout obama lover, please pass me by your wasting your time.

Things I enjoy: Ridding my bike in the park, driving, watching movies, working on my truck, working on my computer, working with my tools, or just working general. I like good conversations, country fried potatoes, road trips that head south, Sarah Palin, playing with my cat Cletus, visiting my family, Ice tea on a hot day and hot tea on a cold day, The Irish, Church, and many other things."



As a liberal, killing babies is definitely one of my favorite past times. However, I'm still unclear about what "ethnic hillbilly" means, exactly. Anyone?

"May I See Your Boobs (covered or bare) in Pics or on Cam? - 30"

"Thank you for considering it. :)"



This is the most polite personal I've ever read.

"Bored? let's have a tickle fight - 24"

"tickling has been shown to decrease boredom. and INCREASE fun."



I'm pretty sure tickling is only fun if you're under ten or listed on the sex offender registry. Extra fun if both are in the same room.

"The White Peacock"

"I'd cross the line for that sexy ass bird. Bestiality laws be damned, I want me some hot white feather fucking!

'Tell me where you want it, you gorgeous peacock bitch! Right on that little beak? Yeah? Here you go baby....aaaaaagggggghhhhhh!' Fuck yeah."



This sounds racist.

"Obsessed w/ the weather or the weather channel ? - 34"

"Hello, 34 WM in NW burbs who is also obsessed with the outside weather and watching the weather channel. Looking for cool female to hang out with and watch weather channel. Yeah I know I'm weird- get over it. Age - race- build is unimportant. There is just something distictly sexy about listening to that Muzak style music as the local weather on the 8's scrolls by. If you ever fantasized about kissing or making out while live weather streams in the background contact me. Besides my obsession with weather I'm a perfectly normal guy."




Why don't you, I don't know, go outside?

"Vampires or skilled kuhuters, I nead yur hlp, blood letting.edit edit - 25

"LAME, I HAVE TO MESS WITH THIS MESSAGE A ALOT

Do you know about blood letting, will you help get about a pint of blood out of me, please, I am very serious.

NOT JOKING, so please don't send me mean messages, I'm not looking for suggestions like go to a doctor. I would like to do this at home, perferably mine, but yours will do too.
( maybe we could use the blood to write a letter, idk, I planned on washing it down the drain, maybe I could jar it, talk to me.


I am not ugly, I am short, athletic, I make a living running, and i love to dance"




Maybe you can pen the next installment of Twilight with it.

"Would You Have Sex With A Priest? - 29"

"Think of the children, dammit!!"



Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, amirite?

"I want to smoke your pubes - 28"

"Come over, we'll have a nice dinner maybe some fettuccine or whatever, then watch a great movie like Cool Runnings or Lethal Weapon 2 and then you'll shave your vagina and sprinkle it into a tremendous joint that I'm rolling. Then I'll smoke it. I'll pay for your taxi home."



Boring.

"Diaper Punishment - 20"

"I am going to make myself wear a diaper to class. It sounds super humiliating and I hope i dont get caught. I am a in shape white college guy. Thought I would post the super humiliating thing i am about to do. I HOPE NO ONE FINDS OUT. there will be no way for me to back out when i get there."


Guessing "I HOPE NO ONE FINDS OUT" is really code for "PLEASE FIND OUT SO I CAN GET OFF ON THE HUMILIATION."

"DO YOU HAVE IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME?? - 36"

"All kidding aside, I want the exact opposite of some nasty chick that spends a half hour everyday on the pot stinking up the bathroom. I am looking for the girl that will never break wind in my presence. The girl I am after knows to run the shower if she is going to take a crap, to cover up the noise and smell. This should be standard operating procedure for every bowel movement.

If you believe the ANUS is HEINOUS and are interested in a guy that wished he never had to take a crap again then shoot me your pics. Maybe we were meant for each other, two souls that are ashamed of their bodily functions that want to find true love with a like minded individual."




A lady never has bowel movements.

"Pathetic Worm wants to smell your foot odor"

"Have you ever wanted to humiliate a guy by forcing him to worship your feet. Have you ever wanted to watch someone suffer under your feet? I'm a white pathetic worm that loves to have a woman get her feet as smelly as possible and tape my mouth shut so i have to smell them all night long. No sex and you call all the shots. Maybe i'm blindfolded before i even see who you are, so all i know about you is how bad your feet smell."


A lady's feet never emit an unpleasant odor.

"Something Everlasting -31"

"SBM seeks SWF to impregnate. I am getting older and having no real interest to be a part of a family I feel I can at least reproduce. Who wants to make a pretty brown baby?"


This planet is already overpopulated.

"Bring me mcdonalds and blow me while i watch str8 porn - 21"

"uncut CHUBBY latin NU student needs a blowjob and some burgers. Seriously. Looking for someone to pick up some micky d's then come by and blow me discreetly."


How American.

"Horny Anorexic's apply"

"I've always fantasized about this and I want to do it now. Looking for a young anorexic adult girl (east indian or african american preferably) for steamy hot sex. I can host. Any and all positions. Between 21 and 35 yrs. Can't find a dating site for anorexics so hoping to find one or two on cl."


Nothing gets me hotter than thinning hair and a pallid complexion on a woman who has the body of a little boy.

"A MANS BEST FRIEND is His MOTHER, DONT YOU AGREE??????? - 35"

"Hi,

I am looking for someone to treat me the way my mother does. I need you to wake up early everyday and make me bacon n eggs, then run me a hot bath, lay my clothes out for me on the bed every morning, make me my lunch and make sure I don’t forgot to take my lunch with me to work, and give me a hug and a kiss when I leave for work.

My mom always called me at around noon at work every day just to see how my day was going; I expect the same from you. When I get home from a long day, I expect a hot homemade meal and after dinner for you to rub my feet while I watch the news. I am on my feet all day at work, so my achy feet need pampering. I also need you to do all of the shopping, this includes picking out and buying my clothes.

Me and my mom always go out to dinner every Saturday night, it will be great for you to join us, although my mom will still want to order for me, she knows what food is best for me and always does a great job keeping me happy and healthy! I don’t want you to think my mom will always be around, we will have our own privacy but she will want to meet you before we go on our first date. So if you think I am the kind of guy for, then please send me your pics, make sure their clear images, my mom has cataracts and has trouble seeing."


Sounds like an episode of Jersey Shore.

"looking for young girl to laugh at me - 29"

"I am a young, attractive, successful, married man with a secret fantasy. I want to find a younger girl (18-25) who would be willing to tease and humiliate me while I jerk off with her panties.
I want her to let me masturbate in front of her but laugh at and tease me during. I'd also be open to her making me worship her, tell her how much sexier she is than my wife, kiss her feet, or help her get ready to go out with her friends or boyfriend. I would be generous to any girl interested in such an encounter and would be open to a one-time thing or a more long term relationship. I need to keep this entirely discreet. Looking for an attractive girl with the right attitude who would enjoy the power of teasing, tormenting, and humiliating a married man and getting compensated for it."


I would never have thought that my best friend could make a career out of demeaning men the way she does.

"Emotionally unavailable depressive seeks meaningless, empty sex - 31"

"Subject says it all."



You had me at "emotionally unavailable."

"Sex for Haiti"

"Have a casual encounter with this nice, attractive, generous young man and I will donate to Haiti. Perfect opportunity to heal the world while also addressing our needs. I have lots of pics upon request. This is a serious offer. Let's end the devastation now!"



Appalling or awesome?

"ELEPANT TRUNK LOOKING FOR HOT FUDGE SUNDAE-30"

"wHATS GOOD? i AM A TALL SKINNY WHITE MALE LOOKING FOR A HOT CHOCOLATE GRL TO KEEP ME WARM.I AMNOT BAD LOOKING, HAVE A MORE THAN ADEQUETE SNAKE, AND AM ALWAYS A GENTLEMEN. I LUV WATCHING AZZ WERK. I DONT NEED NO HOOKER OR WEIRDO OR STALKER. JUST SOME1 TO GIVE SOME LUV AND ATTENTION TO. IM GOOD AT TALKING DIRTY TO SO LAY IT ON THICK MA. PEAACE"


But weirdo stalkers who moonlight as hookers always do the best azz werk.

"Looking for a human puppy or kitty!" - 30

"Looking for a Human Pet:. And some fun animal role play!

I want a female pet. A women want to act and be treated like a puppy or kitty. Someone would like to be collared and leashed, put in a cage, walk like a pet, cuddled with, feed and play fetch with. Just have a lot of fun."


I draw the line at playing catch, although a ribbon on a stick is always difficult to say no to.

"i have a fantasy "- 19

"Well i am a a19 yr old fem. I AM ina relashionship .. but well lets get to the point.
I WANA HAVE A 3 SUM.! I THINK THATS HOTAND WELL THATS MY FANTASY.! IM 5'7 THICK. MY B.F IS 5'8 WERE MEXICAN/ PUERTO RICAN. IF U WANT HE DOSENT HAVE TO TUCH U ONLY I DO.:D BUT IF OR OK WITH IT THEN WE CAN ALL TUCH EACH OTHER LOLZ. IF THIS SOUND LIKE SUMTHING U WANA DO HIT ME UP."


ur relashionship sounds adventurous lolz